When will it end?

Today we received the tragic news that my grandmother passed away. I truly believed this woman was going to out live every single one of us. But after a heart attack last week, she spent the weekend on life support, and finally she stopped fighting. One can't blame her, she was miserable without her husband who died seven years ago, mere days before my own father.

I'm angry about this. I am angry that she died without us knowing. My uncle, is a cold-hearted bastard. He didn't bother to tell anyone that she had even had a heart attack. My aunt found out Sunday that Grandma had died. And then she called my mother tonight.

The woman, honestly was a bitch. But she was my grandmother. And I have so many memories from when I was younger... she always had cinnamon bears for me, and those little Neapolitan candies. She always made me the really good frozen mac and cheese that I never got at home.

I never got to say goodbye. I was a bad granddaughter, and I hadn't visited her in quite some time. But it was hard for me, I haven't accomplished anything major in my life, so there was never much for us to talk about. But she was my grandma, and I loved her. I just wish I could have gotten that chance.


Aside from that, I've been laid off from my retail job. Only a few shifts left. I have to find another job. School starts tomorrow. I don't know if I'll be able to pay for it...

The old saying, What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or even you're not given more than you can handle... I don't currently agree with those. Cause right now I am feeling about as weak as it gets, and I really don't think I could handle anything else.

What needs to change...?

In short, everything.

I'm shy, there is no getting around it, I'd rather ignore things, than do them. Procrastination is my middle name! I spent most of the morning going through some stuff, cleaning up, trying to figure out what is going where, cleaning up my bathroom, sorting through make up, and just trying to clean up my life.

To simplify.

That is the biggest thing I need to do. Simplify my life. I'm a bit of a pack rat, I like to keep things. But I have to condense my life, into something much smaller. More containable. I'm doing my laundry right now, planning to get rid of a ton of clothes, hello goodwill!

I've been thinking about all of this, and how being home, around my family, I am having to rely on them, so much right now. I hate it.

A few years ago, I moved out of state, three states away! I took care of myself. Save for the one time when I asked my mom for 100 dollars to pay for the campground space I was staying in, until I could get on my feet. But I found 4 jobs in less than a week, I started making money, I made friends, I found a place to live. I survived just fine. ... Where did that Me go? I need her to come back!

I've been wondering, what if, at the end of this, I move. I hate the idea of being away from my family. I love them all dearly. I would hate to be away from my niece and nephew, again. They have sort of become my world, which, I know isn't a good thing. They are the closest I have to my own, and I love kids. I really don't like the idea of someone else taking care of them. Strangers.

But what if it is the best solution?

What if I were to move out of state again, or even, just several hours away. If I was hours away, I could still come home sometimes.

It's a thought... might be a good one...

Working to Change My Life in 120 Days

The question is, can I?

A basic run down of life so far... I'm a 26(nearly 27), daughter, sister, aunt, student, employee, friend. I had the perfect set up, I had a job that I really enjoyed, I made great money(The joys of waitressing!), and was getting ready to go back to school. I had it all figured out. I would work three days a week, and make plenty of money to support myself, pay bills, pay for school, and still have some left over.

And then I got laid off. Everything changed. I searched for months to try and find a new job. Finally, about a month ago, I managed to get a job at Target. But the hours are limited, and I don't make nearly as much as I used to. So paying my bills has come to a standstill.

M y car broke down, thanks a lot Volvo. Luckily I had a car I was planning to sell, a Nissan, that I couldn't get to pass I/M. When I went to pick it up, the check engine light was off, and I quickly sailed to the Emissions control office to get new tags. Thank goodness, because the light turned on the next day.

So, now I have a car again. But during this car drama, my roommate(very good friend of nearly 10 years) tells me that I have to move out. - Mind you, I haven't paid rent in a few months, but I have given her any bit of money I could spare, when I had it. It isn't as though I've been out spending it like a mad woman. When I moved in, her whole thing was 'if you loose your job, you'll have a place to stay' ... so much for that.

So this puts me in a spot. What am I supposed to do. I've been looking up any kind of help I can get from the state, food stamps, hud. I hate the idea of having to ask for help. I want to take care of it all myself. But, I can't.

My mother and sister came up with a plan. Starting January 1st. Until May 1st. I will be living half time with each of them. Three days a week, I will take care of my niece and nephew while my sister and brother-in-law are at work. I will help with dinner, and clean up the house. You know, be a nanny.

Four days a week, I will stay with my mom. Cooking dinner, and cleaning house are required as well. Those are the days that I work, and will be going to school.

I agree, this is a great set up for me. It gives me some time to get back on my feet. To still be able to pay for school (I hope). Save up some money, and try to figure my life out.

I have the next few weeks to move out, figure out where my stuff is going, and how it's getting there. I have a lot of furniture. A storage shed is probably going to be required.